Needs more cowbell

I put my first bit of work for my crit group to dissect. I looked for obvious errors, then set it loose in the wilds of other writers and waited. Within a week, five people posted. For your perusal, I will post my first draft as it was submitted to my crit group. Once I’ve gone through my edits, I will post the updated version. Said version will be re-submitted to be sure I’ve gotten what needed done. Sometimes when you crit, you’re so tripped up by certain aspects you miss others.

Here is the first draft:

Rose tripped over an overturned dresser drawer, the duffel in her hand skidding across the floor and dumping contents like a breadcrumb trail toward the doorway. Leaving it behind, she skittered through the bedroom and into the upstairs bathroom, crawling quietly into the bathtub. Making herself as small as possible, she hid behind the shower curtain, every tiny sound echoing through the empty house. No heater hissed, no pipes clanked. Only the dull thunk of boots against worn carpeting, the creaking stairs as her pursuer came closer, the hiss of his jacket as it brushed the door frame when he passed. Just as she breathed a sigh of relief, his steps neared, slowed and stopped just as his heels clicked against the thick white tile. The surprisingly loud click flooded the room with the overhead light and Rose shrank back, trying to stay out of sight. Why hadn’t she hidden under the bed? She could have run when he came into the bathroom. Instead she was stuck inside with no way out

Slowly he advanced, every step echoing until he snatched the shower curtain away. Rose cowered, arms wrapped protectively around her body. He lashed out, grabbing her arm hard enough she cried out. There would be bruises in the morning. Putting all her weight behind her, she tried to keep her backside against the shower wall. Another thick hand grabbed her other arm and hauled her up to her tiptoes, his breath hot on her cheek when she turned away. He inhaled, short stubble scratching tender skin. Her head hit the shower wall and a tear slipped free, the whimper uncontrollable as she forced her mouth further from his.

A figure loomed in the doorway, shadows darkening his skin. Its spine stood out, the skin sunken around the processes and between his ribs. It paused on all fours, its back too long, its arms to narrow and its legs bent at strange angles. Her eyes locked with ebony pools and she shuddered

“Help. Please,” she whispered, watching the strange being cant its head and lean closer

Her aggressor turned to face the creature. “What the fuck is that thing? Some kind of fucked up dog?

Its face was too human as it loped into the bathroom and looked up at the man. Its dark eyes swiveled from him to her and back again

The man dropped her, turned toward the creature and puffed his chest. Brandishing a knife from his belt, he advanced. The creature pulled back, brow drawn and cheeks pulled taut

Rose summoned her voice. “Run!

The angular face turned to her just as the leather-clad man struck, drawing a started cry from the creature. Its face contorted in rage and it took a pair of steps back, rising to its full height. Its arm oozed thick black from the thin gash across his bicep. With a hiss, it grabbed him by the throat and snarled in his face, long canines bared and glistening in the light. The creature grabbed the robber’s arm, twisting it back until it crunched and the knife dropped from his hand. A shadowy forked tongue traced the man’s neck as he spit obscenities. The noise stopped when sharp fangs touched skin. Despite fighting the creature before, the robber now held very still. Rose crawled over the tub edge and grabbed the weapon, every movement slow to avoid the creature’s attention

With a crush of strong jaws, the man’s howls echoed against tiled walls. The creature’s mouth closed and its throat moved, swallowing as the man first struggled and then went limp. Dropping the lifeless body to the floor, the creature turned to Rose and crouched down, red-black eyes watching her intently. Long ebony nails clacked as they settled against the stark flooring, its hands between its feet. Rose shivered, expecting it to attack. She clutched the knife, the hilt against her solar plexus

Instead of coming toward her, the creature circled the corpse, snuffling his neck and shoulder. Giving a quick glance back at Rose, it nosed the head toward her in a macabre offering. When she didn’t respond, it picked up an arm and hauled it toward her. A squawk of terror rose from her throat and she violently shook her head. With its brow drawn, the creature took a large bite of flesh, then shook the limb at her. Rose screamed, turning away from it and covered her head with her hands. The knife clanked against the tub floor and settled near the drain. A heavy thunk was all the response she received. Rose peeked over her shoulder at it. With a shrug, the creature hunkered down and licked at its hands like an overgrown cat, the ends of its tongue cleaning the crevice of its nail. When she shifted, its long, pointed ears flicked but it otherwise ignored her. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt her. She stared at it, watching as it worked from one finger to the next. It made a face as the pungent scent of human excrement filled the small space, but returned to its grooming

Something was familiar in its face. Despite the hard angles, she could see human features. As if sensing her stare, it turned and looked at her, watching her for a moment before returning to its tongue bath. Something in its eyes reminded her of someone she knew

No. It couldn’t be

 Slowly reaching out to him, she called him by name.

Six Sentence Sunday

This is my post for Six Sentence Sunday. 

“The beginning of the four horsemen of the apocalypse,” Winter instructed, making her way back to her seat to listen.

“The beginning of the history or the beginning of the current incarnations?”

“The beginning of the horsemen and then the beginning of the current incarnations,” Baby interjected before anyone could protest. “I want to hear the stories.”

Nodding and looking tired, Niakon wandered around the tables and pulled up a chair to sit down. Turning to look at Meredith, she got up without a sound and went to the fireplace to make a fire for them, shoving one of the more comfortable chairs over to Niakon. He took it gratefully. They were going to be there awhile.

Six Sentence Sunday

This is my post for Six Sentence Sunday.

“He’ll die if you don’t,” Meredith prodded, sensing his indecision and worry. Every second he hesitated was a precious second lost, the storm around them growing heavy and black. The sky tinted green and red and clouds drew near. She flicked her gaze back to Baby, holding onto a thin thread of patience. She had forced enough onto him, she wanted him to make this choice, but if he hesitated too much longer…

A large black clawed hand shot out with a speed that amazed her and grabbed her by her face.

Tarot Drabble

Guns and Pocky on Y!gallery posts drabble bits in his journal every now and again to get us up and running on creating.  This is one I picked up and ran with.  It actually might make its way into Maki and Baby’s story.

Baby sat at the table and deftly turned the card with only his thumb and forefinger, placing it back on the table as he looked over it intently. His eyes turned up as a small smile crept over his lips. He watched the dark haired man as he slowly strolled in, rounding the corner of the table to look over the younger boy’s shoulder. “The Wheel of Fate,” he vocalized, catching Baby’s attention with a slight dip of his head. “What’s it mean?”

“The Wheel of Fate means change. What goes up must come down. It means that although things are good now, they can always change or, vice versa, what is bad can always turn back up.”
“It’s unfortunate that the Wheel may turn very slowly.”

Baby nodded, making a sound of agreement. “Sometimes. Mine’s been four years.”

Dark eyes shaded black, turning away from the boy who watched him very intently as he rounded the table again and put quite a bit of distance between the pair of them. He took a breath to steel himself and regain the bearings the simple comment had knocked away so easily. “Surely your time here hasn’t been so bad, has it? You’re well fed, clothed and housed. You’ve gotten your GED and you’re attending classes for college. So far your grades have been excellent and you’re doing well at a part time job. It seems to me you’re doing quite well for yourself.”

Baby smirked and let his eyes fall to the table once again, turning over the next card. A woman bearing a set of scales was presented and the boy’s smile grew as he tapped the card, his fingernail clicking against the plasticized card. He drew a breath to speak and said nothing, waiting for Maki to give him the definition of the card he knew was coming. It took him awhile, but eventually, with a sigh, Maki gave in and sat on the stool opposite the expectant boy and turned his eyes to the card again.

“Justice. You will have a favorable outcome in legal matters.” He knew that wouldn’t sate him, but he still looked into the blue orbs as though he were finished.

“And…?”

“If you know, why are you asking me?” he teased, a faint laugh barely kept in check as he leaned away from the table and Baby who had been leaning into him.

“It also means a return on an unfavorable action. The wrongs committed against me will be righted.”
“And what wrongs have been done against you since coming here, hm?”

“I don’t think you want me to answer that, do you?” Their eyes met and locked, holding for a long time as Baby put his intent into his stare and Maki resisted pulling away. Baby could see the wheels turning in Maki’s mind before their gaze broke and one long finger gestured at the last remaining card.

Baby turned it over, looking at it himself before he finished turning it over. “All Major Arcana,” he commented lightly as he placed The Lovers very carefully on the table.

“Very powerful,” Maki returned, staring holes through the card and the table to the floor.
“The Lovers. Passion. New love and new beginnings.”

His eyes flicked up, meeting Baby’s with a warning. “Baby, The Lovers also means choosing between duty and your heart.”

“It also means if you choose your heart, things could be better. Choosing duty means it all stays the same.”

“It means intense temptation in the face of one’s morals.”

“It also means a change to happier times. Maki, you’re miserable. You deserve–”

“Happier to what end? If it defies my morals, Baby, then I cannot. It is impossible to live a pleasant life without living wisely and well and justly agreeing ‘neither to harm nor be harmed’, and it is impossible to live wisely and well and justly without living a pleasant life.”

Baby scowled at him. “One who, while himself seeking happiness, oppresses with violence other beings who also desire happiness, will not attain happiness hereafter.”

“Don’t throw quotes back at me, Baby.”

“You’re only upset because I’m right. How long are you going to ignore this?” His fingers flicked over the table and the three cards laid out before them with meaning.

Maki rose from the stool, not meeting Baby’s eyes as he turned to leave. “Until you get over me,” he replied, taking a card off the top of the stack that was tossed down as he turned and walked out. Baby watched him go until he was out of the room and only then did his eyes drop down to the card he’d laid down.

Baby laughed when he was greeted by The Chariot, tracing the man in the golden cart with his finger. “So we both think we’re gonna win, hm? Well, if we both keep going, one of us is going to win, but which one?” He let his index finger rest over the top card on the stack and took a deep breath to decide rather or not he should turn over the other card. “It could mean Maki’s being insecure, which certainly fits and I have self confidence in spades, so…”

Flirting with it for a moment, he turned over another card and put it atop the other. “Hm. So asking for the wrong reasons, am I? Okay.” Baby took a deep breath, letting it slowly slip out through his nose. He wasn’t happy about the results, but he would accept them. It was time for a new journey, but not so much for Maki. Scowling deeply, Baby reached over for another card and, after several moments fingering the top of the next card, he withdrew his hand and rose with a final long look at the cards and wandered out.

Six Sentence Sunday

This is my post for Six Sentence Sunday.

“Use me,” she commanded, her fists balling at her sides. She was slightly surprised to see Baby blink in shock.

“That will kill you,” he enunciated slowly, the full mouth of sharp teeth and elongated vocal cords making his voice raspy and speech more difficult. It did, however, make the demon language easier. She switched tongues easily.

“I know the risk,” she explained, looking back to their foes with chagrin, “and I know Maki uses you like a battery, uses your power to fuel his own. With mine, we can end this. Use me. Envelop me. Let me thank you for my freedom.”

Misty Morning

This was a blurb I wrote one night as a random scene that came to me. It's unedited and as is. 

Standing on the front porch in the lightly misting rain, one finger pressed the doorbell and waited for an answer.  It had been months since they’d seen one another, their at one time warm romance fading with the hectic schedules they both kept.  The pair of them had kept in touch briefly via online means, one or the other of them poking in now and again on interesting posts or comments that connected them.  In the hassles of work and getting settled in their respective places, xe had put off visits so xe could focus more on their relationship once they were on level ground.  Taking a break in xir schedule, xe had driven in to visit, taking xir sweet time in the doorway before actually pressing the button so xe could run over and over the scenario in xir head before the door was answered.

There was the possibility she wouldn’t be home, the time between seeing one another leaving a gap where the usual familiarity of her schedule would have made timing second nature.  Dancing on the balls of xir feet, xe waited as patiently as possible for the sound of …

Footfalls on the stairs.  She’d been upstairs.  Xe waited for the footfalls to still, gave a moment for her to peer through the blind, then the lock on the door to rattle before the wooden barrier swung open.

Before xe lost xir impetus, xe dove forward, wrapping xir arms clumsily around her neck and pulled her in for a kiss, the relief washing over xir that she was still in the same place doing the same things.  Nothing much had changed.  All was still right in the world and everything could be forgiven and forgotten and moved on upon.

Taking a startled step back, she looked down at the damp brunette standing on her front step with curious eyes.

“God, I’ve missed you so much, I–”

Xe was shocked to hear a voice call down from the upstairs asking who was at the door.  Blue eyes turned up in shock and wonder as realization set in.  Taking a pair of steps back, xe excused xirself and turned back down the street to xir car in escape.